Category Archives: TV Shows

Celebrity Wedding Planners: Jedward – Jepic

The true definition of genii - ladies and gentlemen, JEDWARD

John:                     “I’m John.”

Edward:               “And I’m Edward.”

Jedward:             “And together, we’re Jedward!”

Celebrities and weddings are two massive TV trends from 2011 which collided together in last night’s Celebrity Wedding Planners, a new series from Channel 5 which looks set to emulate the success of C4’s Big Fat Gypsy Weddings franchise. Last night’s episode featured Jedward, the tall-haired twins from Dublin who bounded about on the goggle box like two oversized kids maxed out on Smarties and Sunny D. If you were to do a quick mental list of celebrities you wouldn’t want planning your wedding, Jedward would be on a par with The Chuckle Brothers and Des Lynam.

The show was filled with the twins’ Jedisms, “It’s gonna be Jepic,” said Jedward, “We hope it won’t be a Jesaster.” And if their appearance on Celebrity Wedding Planners is anything to go by, the pair could also start a sideline in their trademark PVC high-shouldered ‘Jedsuits’.

So, what better way to avoid racking up a huge wedding debt than by getting an unbeknown celebrity to plan it for you, and Channel 5 to cover the costs. What could possibly go wrong? This scenario didn’t put Beulah and James off, the happy couple who featured in the episode. Beulah is a self-confessed control freak who wears mad glasses that Gok Wan would be proud to sport, and James is a half-Scottish electrician. Beulah wants a ‘Princess wedding’ in an English country mansion, whereas James, if he’s completely honest hasn’t given it much thought. Continue reading


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Filthy Cities: Medieval London: Episode 1 Review

This post contains offensive language – it’s Dan Snow’s fault

Dan Snow’s disgusting new series Filthy Cities (BBC 2) aired on Tuesday and revealed how London’s 2000 year history is steeped in pooh, wee, beer and animal guts. If ever there was a case for not installing smell-o-vision, Filthy Cities would be it. The episode should also have come with the warning: NOT SUITABLE FOR VEGETARIANS OR VEGANS. The show was visceral entertainment on an epic scale and contained more footage of faeces than an entire series of Jackass; it was basically Horrible for History for adults.

Animal Entrails!

Throughout the 14th century, London was once a square mile of stinking filth and detritus. Dan Snow travelled about this square mile as it is now, but the modern cityscape soon dissolved back in time to show the city as it really was, with buckets of vomit and pooh flung from windows, and later on the Bubonic plague was unleashed in the Shambles, cue shots of disgusting buboes and snotty sneezes.

Snow’s evaluation of the poop on show was dealt with in a matter of fact way, for him everything smelt “really appalling” but off camera one can assume he used more colourful adjectives to describe the spew-inducing stenches he encountered. There were shots of bums mid-act-poohing, pooh dribbling down people’s homes, pooh in the gutters, pooh on the streets, Snow even dumped 6 tonnes of horse manure in Canary Wharf. Why? Because he was demonstrating how Thomas Mason once cleared 6 tonnes of horse crap from a London street in one night. Continue reading


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The Model Agency Channel 4 – what would you have done if you were India Farrell?

Maverick fashions, hissy fits and a feisty business woman with bleach blonde hair who knows a lot about dresses – does any of this sound familiar? Well it isn’t Big Fat Gypsy Weddings if that’s what you’re thinking. Last night Channel 4 attempted to fill the void left by their most successful show since Big Brother 8 with The Model Agency, a fly-on-the-wall documentary series which follows Premier, one of the UK’s leading model agencies. Premier is a family run business set up by brother and sister duo Carole White and Chris Owen, who have had runway success with Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer and Linda Evangelista.

The documentary is set in an ultra-swanky London office decorated with walls upon walls of Polaroid’s featuring coy and miserable looking models. In the middle of it all is the ‘bitch hub’ – a huge table around which the model Bookers “play their game of poker” – or in other words pick who’s drop dead gorgeous from those who have been slapped in the face with the ugly stick. And it’s not a game 99.9% of the population would want to play, because according to Premier only 1 in ten thousand girls have model potential, which for them equates to around 4 per year.

Someone who is in that 0.01% of jaw-dropping beauty is India Farrell, a sixteen year old Jodie Kidd lookalike from Manchester. But there’s a problem. India has been sent on her first fashion trip to New York that could set her up as a top model, but she’s feeling a teeny bit poorly and had a “freakout”, cue a million phone calls from Annie, Premier’s Head of New Faces. Continue reading

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How Much Food Can Adam Richman Eat?

Answer: Around 5lbs or 6½lbs depending on the composition of the food

Man vs Food which airs on the Travel Channel (US)  has turned dining out into a spectator event. The show follows its host Adam Richman on his travels around America, during which he visits some of the country’s most exuberant eateries and takes part in the most awesome and stomach-churning glut-fests ever known to man. If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to eat a burger the size of your head, or a pizza the width of a tractor tyre, Adam Richman is the man to ask. In Season 1 he attempts the New Orleans 15 Dozen Oyster Challenge; that’s the equivalent of 180 oysters (which is in itself a challenge) but then you’ve also got to factor in a 60-minute time limit. Oysters are not to everyone’s taste, they’ve get a funny texture and look strange, (at least compared to say a chicken breast) yet remarkably Adam manages to complete the challenge in 21 minutes and becomes the 29th member of the Dozen Oyster Challenge ‘Wall of Fame’. Continue reading

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Blitz Street

When I read Gravity’s Rainbow I couldn’t quite believe in the power of the V2 rockets and to begin with I took them at face value – as  a figment of Pynchon’s insane but brilliant imagination. The V2 fired Pynchon’s imagination because it is an object of chaos – it comes from the skies faster than the speed of sound. You hear it coming, but never hear the explosion because by that time –  you are dead. Continue reading

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Screenburn by Charlie Brooker

(Faber & Faber: London, 2005)

Screenburn is a witty anthology of TV commentary from the dawn of the new millennium (circa 2000-2004) and is well worth a visit if you’d like to find out what has changed in broadcasting since then.  During these early years we eagerly awaited holographic screens and smell-O-vision, but these dreams never came to pass, instead we got ONDIGITAL, BBC Choice and a strong dose of reality, a word that terrified T.S.Eliot and one which also terrifies Charlie Brooker, not in the reality of the here and now, nor in a virtual sense, but in the growing obsession with Reality TV. Continue reading

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